Friday, December 26, 2008

Post Christmas. Have to love it.

Vacant parking lots around Retail Stores, business saying workers are next to useless the day after a Thursday Christmas – nonproductive they say, so give them a paid day of vacation and four days. An offensive Muslin wishing Gentiles a Merry Christmas.

Ah, Human Kind. Have to love it.

Then there is my girlfriend. Or, maybe my soon to be ex-girlfriend. Or, maybe, my deceased ex-girlfriend. Nah, probably not that serious. Or maybe so. And, Yeah, I guess I need to talk about it. Well, maybe not. Still . .

What am I babbling about? Well. Umm! Well, you know those hair restorer programs you see on TV and stuff? Yeah. Ever one does. Hell, you can’t get away from them most times, yeah? Anyhow, about seven months or so ago, I noticed that things were beginning to thin out some, you know, up there. I’d been looking at a picture of my father, and thought I’d check the old hair line against the male pattern baldness and stuff.

Yeah. Sure enough. I didn’t believe that stuff. Uh, seems true. So, I asked the girlfriend what she thought and she tells me she’s finding hair in the brush and in the sinks. You know how that is, that perfectly straight gaze; sweet, sweet half smile. The smile fades some and that tender accepting everything you are expression creeping across their face. Yeah, you know, that one. Enough to creep a guy out.

Anyway, I got to checking things out and decided on this one product and thought I’d give it a shoot, you know. So, I ordered the stuff. Damn it’s expensive. I tell the girlfriend about it and she tells her girlfriends, you see, and they mention it when we’re at a party and such. Never did understand why the girlfriend should tell her girlfriends, you know. But, she did, and now I get these side of the eye looks. Speculative things, you understand.

So, I use this stuff for months. Followed all the directions and read all the literature they send along. You’d think I’d turn into a caveman, from the way they talk, in day or two. Well, I rubbed and lathered and cleaned and lathered and rubbed some more. I couldn’t tell much difference, you know. So I asked the girlfriend, she’d been watching me apply this stuff with religion, like, and surely . . .

Well, she tells me she didn’t think much was happening up there. She said, maybe a little more time or something. She’s got this spark in her eye’s, though. I wasn’t sure about that.

Then, sometimes, when we were out with friends, I’d catch her whispering to her girlfriends, and her cutting side of the eyes looks in my direction and all. They’d all bust out laughing. When I’d look over that way to see what the problem was, they’d all shut up and look like butter wouldn’t melt, you know. I couldn’t see what the joke was.

Month or so ago, a buddy asked me if I was one sided. I just look at him, but he didn’t say anything else, and I wasn’t sure what he was talking about and didn’t want to look stupid, you know. So, I let it go.

Then a couple of weeks ago, he asked the same thing again. This time I asked him what the hell he was talking about, and he says he thought he’d ask, being as how I seemed to always scratch my ass only on one side, like. Now, what’s all that about? He’d not say anything else and I let it go.

Then, a couple of days ago, I caught my girlfriend laughing without making a sound watching me stand nude, there at the sink, rubbing that stuff into my hairline. She liked to watch me standing around nude, you know. I am in pretty good shape and all, and don’t mind that stuff at all. Makes other things come along easier, don’t you know.

Anyway, I asked her what the hells so damn funny and she about chokes, you know. So, now I’m getting some mad and swell up somewhat, and she sees that and bites off the laughing and stuff. When she gets a breath, she gets up from the bed and comes over and rubs against me, and runs her hands across my buns. Saying how she likes my buns and all.

Then she busts out laughing.

Enough to make a man shrivel, don’t you know.

So I get to thinking, and running my hands around, like, and felt something funny on my butt cheek. Just my right butt cheek. So, I stomp over to the girlfriends full lenght mirror and look back there and, guess what?

I had a big batch of hair back there. Yeah, but just on the one cheek. I couldn’t figure it out, you know. So, I look at the girlfriend and she’s hysterical with laughing. I’m asking her, you know, what the hell is going on here, and she says, she says. . . Well, ever since you started using that stuff on your hair, you’ve been wiping your right hand on your butt before you wash it off, and the hair started growning down there, only on the one side. I thought it was funny, you scratching only the one side and all.

So now you know. She’s been telling all her girlfriend and all. Making me a fool to all of them and my friends. That stuff didn’t seem to grow hair where I wanted it cultivated, did it? Only where I let it grow wild like.

Say, man. Which one of these things will get rid of hair the best? Do you know? I mean, not that one, that’s expensive, man. Damn.
_____

From the reaches,

Ten Mile

About tenwhiskey

User tenwhiskey is also the author of this blog. He currently lives in small town Kansas in a semi-retired condition. His kids are married and gone (thank you). An empty nester. Divorced. Very happy with life as it is. Ten Mile maintains a personal blog here, writing of events as they appear to him; commentary, and opinions abound. He deviates into fiction as the mood strikes and creates flash fiction stories and short stories. He will not warn the reader when he drifts from fact to fiction. He feels adults are, generally, smart enough to figure out which is which. He does, however, attempt to make his fiction sound as true to life as possible. You have been warned. He, as time permits, writes and occasionally sells writing. More often than not he gives it away to various non-paying publishers of Ether Magazines, forums or for entertainment on a wall for in need of a hand friends. He likes candy, pies and a certain amount of strife. In the matter of strife - in his yourth on the farm, he became embroiled in a slinging fight. The fight involved lath as a launcher, fresh cow patties as ammo and it was a six way free for all. A little mud only adds (Umm?) a certain taste to life.
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